Utah Jokes
July 19th, 2005
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
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Utah Woman Deletes the Internet!
By Tom 7 (Dissociated Press)
REDMOND: Millions of frustrated calls rushed into internet service providers this past thursday as “The Information Superhighway” was reported Missing In Action for several days.
The Internet Engineering Task Force (IETF) traced the problem to a home in Utah where Doris Packuko resides. She was allegedly found “hysterical and crying”, police say.
“That much information flowing through the phone lines all at once generates a lot of heat,” Doug Wernicke of the IETF told us, “We just followed the smell of burning fiber optics.”
“Apparently, she just deleted The Internet right off her desktop. Even after being warned, ‘are you sure you want to delete The Internet?’, she persisted.”
Experts claim that this is a major problem with The Information Superhighway, perhaps even worse than animal pornography. “The Internet is a great cooperative work, built by millions of people. It is so unfortunate that it can be ruined by just one person. Thank God we were able to save it,” commented Packuko’s neighbor.
The IETF was able to recover most of The Internet by opening up Packuko’s Recycle Bin and dragging The Internet back onto the desktop. The rest was restored from the master backup copy kept on Zip Disk in the pentagon. Puckuko claims ignorance was the cause of her act. “I just didn’t know. I was trying to clean up my desktop and I deleted it. I … I just didn’t realize.”
Microsoft Corporation reports that they are currently working on a bug fix.
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GROUNDHOG DAY
Q: What do you get when you crossbreed U. football and a groundhog?
A: Six more weeks of bad football!
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UTAH BY 5 . . . TIMES - A fellow walks into a restaurant, orders a drink and asks the waiter if he’d like to hear a good BYU joke. “Listen, buddy,” the waiter growled. “See those two big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the BYU football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at the Y. That guy in the corner was the Y.’s all-time champion weightlifter. And I lettered in three sports at the Y. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?”
“Nah, guess not,” the man replied. “I wouldn’t want to have to explain it five times.’
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DON’T FORGET THE TIP - Q: How do you get a U. of U. grad off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
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HALF-WIT - Q: What do you call a Cougar with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
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THAT SMARTS - Q: What do you call an intelligent person in Cougar Stadium?
A: A visitor.
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DEGREE TO GO - The engineer who graduated from Utah State asks, “How does that work?'’
The engineer who graduated from BYU asks, “How can I make that work better?'’
The engineer who graduated from the U. of U. asks, “Would you like fries with that?'’
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TEST CASE - Q: What does the Ute student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
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OH-OH ORSON - It’s a good thing that Orson Pratt was not made president of the LDS Church. Otherwise BYU would have been named OPU.
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LIGHT U. UP - Q. How many U. of U. graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Answer unknown. Still searching for a U. of U. graduate with the qualifications to do such a task.
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LIGHTEN UP II - Q: How many Utes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. . ..but he gets three credit hours for it.
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LEARNING CURVE - Q: How many BYU freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it’s a sophomore course.
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SWIMMING WITH COEDS - Q: How did the first BYU coed get to America from Europe?
A: She swam.
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Q: How did the second BYU coed get to America?
A: She walked across on all the dead fish.
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TUSK, TUSK, TUSK - Q: What’s the difference between a BYU coed and an elephant?
A: About 10 pounds.
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Q2: How do you make it even?
A2: Force-feed the elephant.
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ON THE LOOKOUT - Q. How do you tell the difference between a BYU coed and a U. of U. coed?
A. The BYU coed is looking for a husband. The U. coed is looking for the father.
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M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-“U'’-S-E - The son of a very rich Arab sheik was graduating from college. The sheik went to his son’s roommate and told him, “I really appreciate all the help you have given my son while you two were in school. Just name a gift, and I will buy it for you.'’
The roommate thinks about it and tells the sheik, “Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve always wanted a real Mickey Mouse outfit.'’
So the sheik bought him the University of Utah.
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NO ONE IN HIS RIGHT MIND - Q: How do Cougar brain cells die?
A: Alone.
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RINKY-DINK AFFAIR - Two BYU students decide they want to try ice fishing.
They go and buy all the necessary equipment and load up their pickup.
In the process, the students realize they don’t know where to go to try out this new sport.
Finally, after about three hours of intense brainstorming, one student thinks of the perfect spot.
They drive to the spot, unload their equipment and make their way onto the ice in search for the perfect location. They cut a hole in the ice and begin to fish.
About three minutes pass when out of nowhere a booming voice is heard: “THERE ARE NO FISH BENEATH THE ICE!'’
Completely confused and scared, the two students stop and look around but see no one.
“Did you hear that?'’ ask one student. “Yea. Who was it?'’ responded the second student.
Confused but determined, both students continue to fish.
A minute passes, and they hear again: “THERE ARE NO FISH BENEATH THE ICE!'’
Dazed and frightened, one BYU student stands up, looks to the heavens and asks “Is that you, God? Are you trying to help us?'’
The voice responds “No, you idiot, it’s the ice rink manager. Now get off our ice!'’