THE OIL CHANGE….
July 19th, 2005
Oil Change Instructions For Women
Step 1: Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage
reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
Step 2: Drink a cup of coffee.
Step 3: 15 minutes later, write a check and
leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money Spent:
$50.00 Parts
$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee
Total = $71.00
Oil Change Instructions For Men
Step 1: Go to auto parts store and write a check
for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand
cleaner and a scented tree.
Step 2: Discover that the used oil container is
full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly to
recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
Step 3: Open a beer; drink it.
Step 4: Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking
for jack stands.
Step 5: Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
Step 6: In frustration, open another beer and
drink it.
Step 7: Place drain pan under engine.
Step 8: Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
Step 9: Give up looking after 15 minutes and
use crescent wrench.
Step 10: Unscrew drain plug.
Step 11: Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil;
burn hand in hot oil, get it all over your
clothes in process.
Step 12: Clean up mess.
Step 13: Have another beer while watching
oil drain.
Step 14: Look for oil filter wrench.
Step 15: Give up looking after 10 minutes,
poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
Step 16: Beer.
Step 17: Buddy shows up to lend technical support,
helps finish case of beer; unanimous committee
decision to finish oil change tomorrow.
Step 18: Next day, drag pan full of old oil out
from underneath car.
Step 19: Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during
steps 11 & 18.
Step 20: Beer. No, wait a minute-drank it all
yesterday.
Step 21: Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
Step 22: Install new oil filter making sure to
apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
Step 23: Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
Step 24: Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
Step 25: Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
Step 26: Remember that the used oil is buried in
hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
Step 27: Drink beer.
Step 28: Uncover hole and sift through muck for
drain plug.
Step 29: Mutter under breath about first quart
of fresh oil, now on the floor.
Step 30: Drink beer.
Step 31: Slip with crescent wrench while tightening
drain plug, bang knuckles on frame.
Step 32: Bang head on floor boards in reaction to
step 31.
Step 33: Begin uncontrollable cussing fit.
Step 34: Throw wrench.
Step 35: Cuss for additional 10 minutes due to
thrown wrench damaging Miss December (1992)
in the left boob.
Step 36: Beer.
Step 37: Clean up hands and forehead; bandage
as required to stop blood flow.
Step 38: Beer.
Step 39: Another beer.
Step 40: Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
Step 41: Beer.
Step 42: Lower car from jack stands.
Step 43: Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
Step 44: Move car back to apply more kitty litter
to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
Step 45: Beer.
Money Spent:
$50.00 Parts
$3.50 Kitty litter
$27.50 Beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
(hey the colors have to match!!!!)
Total = $156.00