TEXAS TOURISM BROCHURE….
July 19th, 2005
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when
Californians visit Texas, the states’ Tourism Office has adopted
a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural
Texan’s mind, the following list will be handed to each person as
they enter the state:
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast
than you do all week at that pansy-assed gym.
2. It’s called a “gravel road.” No matter how slow you drive,
you’re going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel
drive because I need it. So drive that son a’bitch or get it the
hell out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years
old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will
get your ass whipped…by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
little 13-inch trout you fish for…bait.
6. Tell your kid to pull up his damned pants. He looks like a ****in’
idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don’t
have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for
what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak.
Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of
ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two
packets of sugar and a long spoon.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and
served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. Now ain’t that
impressive. We have quarter of a million dollar combine that we
use two weeks a year.
12. Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We
stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks–because they want to.
So, you’re a feminist, huh? Isn’t that cute!
14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too–and turtle. You really want
sushi and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t
like it? Interstate 30 goes two ways — Interstate 35 goes the
other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being
friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards.
It spooks the fish.
19. That State Trooper that just pulled you over for driving like a
California moron…his name is “Sir”…no matter how old he is.
Now, enjoy your visit and then go home…ASAP