SCOTTISH LOVE RITES….
July 19th, 2005
New research delivers enlightening insight into the sex life
of the Scottish male.
Preparation
Friday night is very much love night for the Scottish man.
Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional
Scottish aphrodisiac 12 pints of heavy, a white pudding supper
and three pickled onions his mind is set on one thing: love.
His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard
night’s dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her
with gentle words of passion, ‘Any chance of na nookie?’
The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic
smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions
sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy
reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, ‘Awaity
f*** ya bam.’
Foreplay
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of
the male casting off his lightly soiled Y fronts provocatively
at his wife, usually landing skid mark down, as he approaches the
bed and singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, ‘Here we go,
here we go, here we go.’ Upon reaching the bed, he comments
proudly on his rampant 8 inches. This is a classic example of
alcohol induced double vision.
Initial problems
After 12 pints, sometimes the man’s Wee Willie Winkle is a trifle
reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a
blow to the man’s self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful.
She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such
as, ‘Ya useless bastard,’ or possibly, ‘It never happens tae ra
milkman.’
Fellatio
Oral sex is a great favorite with the Scotsman. He approaches
his wife with a cheeky invitation, ‘Howl ya like to put yer teeth
roon this?’
The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies
smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. ‘Go on yersel,’ she says,
‘list dinnae disturb me.’
Down to business
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love.
Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as
the man decides which of his willies to use. Sometimes in his
excitement, he may suffer from premature ejaculation, a phenomenon
he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, ‘F*** me, I’ve
shot ma load.’
If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing
his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as
informing her she’s the nicest woman he’s ever come across. An
imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women
like to be spoken to dirty, says such things as, ‘Shite, arsehole.’
The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind
a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if
they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of
encouragement such as, ‘Are you sure it’s in?’
Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman’s ideal partner
should be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm. This
takes the form of a breathless shout, ‘Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man.’
Eventually it’s all over. The man rolls over, wipes his dick on
her nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.
There’s no one in the world that performs quite like a Scotsman a
veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.