MEET YOUR MATE….
July 19th, 2005
Dictionary for Personal Ads
WOMEN’S ADS
40-ish……………. 49
Adventurer………… Slept with all your friends
Athletic………….. No tits
Average looking……. Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful…………. Pathological liar
Contagious Smile…… Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated………….. Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure…. Medicated
Feminist………….. Fat ballbuster
Free spirit……….. Junkie
Friendship first…… Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun………………. Annoying
Gentle……………. Comatose
Good Listener……… Borderline Autistic
New-Age…………… All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned……… Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded……….. Desperate
Outgoing………….. Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate………… Sloppy drunk
Poet……………… Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional………. Certified Bitch
Redhead…………… Bad dye-job
Reubenesque……….. Grossly Fat
Romantic………….. Looks better by candle light
Social……………. Has been passed around like an horsdoeuvres
tray
Voluptuous………… Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height
……. Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate…….. Stalker
Widow…………….. Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart…….. Old bat
MEN’S ADS
40-ish…………….. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic…………… Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking…….. Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated…………… Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit………… Banging your sister
Friendship first……. As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun……………….. Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking……….. Arrogant
Very good looking…… Dumb as a board
Honest…………….. Pathological Liar
Huggable…………… Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle…….. Insecure mama’s boy
Mature…………….. Older than your father
Open-minded………… Wants to sleep with your roommate but
she’s not interested
Physically fit……… Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet………………. Wrote ex-girlfriend’s # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive………….. Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive……… Gay
Spiritual………….. Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable…………….. Arrested for stalking but not convicted
Thoughtful…………. Says “Excuse me” when he farts