QUICKIES…..
July 18th, 2005
Three religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him
a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!
Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
The turd looks over and says, “Hey! Come on in! The water’s fine!” One
banana turns to the other and says, “Do you believe that shit?”
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, “You want to play ‘Magic’?”
She says, “What’s that?”
He says, “We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear.”
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a “broker”?
Q: Where do Blonds go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q. Who makes more money, a crack dealer or a prostitute?
A. A prostitute because she can wash her crack and sell it again!
Q: What do a bowling ball and a Blond have in common?
A: Chances are they’ll both end up in the gutter.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
Q. What do you get when 20 violinists start playing at the same
time but play different songs?
A. A senseless act of violins.
The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize
it’s a do-it-yourself thing.
Ever wonder about people who are willing to get off their ass to search
the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV
and change the channel manually?
Q. What kind of a file would you use to make a small hole bigger?
A. A pedophile.
Q. Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95%
quieter?
A. Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What’s the definition of an Impotent Loser?
A guy who can’t even get his hopes up.
Patient: “Doctor, you’ve got to help me, some mornings I wake up
and think I’m Donald Duck, other mornings I think I’m Mickey Mouse.”
Doctor: “Hmmmmmmm, and how long have you been having these disney
spells?”
Weird is weird.
It doesn’t follow the “i before e except after c” rule
DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: I’m with you, honey, those guys are the scum of the earth.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of vegetables left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that bathrobe.