QUICKIES….
July 18th, 2005
- Why didn’t Superman save Princess Di the night she died?
- Because he’s in a wheelchair!
- A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
- “How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?”
- Q: Where do they put the pictures of lost children on milk cartons
in Ethiopia?
- A: On the UPC bar code in the lower left-hand corner.
- “There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can
cook and won’t, and that’s a spouse who can’t cook and will.”
- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t
park anywhere near the place.
- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
- Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for
a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn’t help me.
- What’s another word for -thesaurus?-
- When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and
get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count
how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
- When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.
I was an only child… eventually.
- I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
So I had to buy them again.
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- I have a switch in my apartment that doesn’t do anything.
Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day
I got a call from a woman in France who said, -Cut it
out!-
- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.
- I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Every time
I hear a new song on the radio, I think, -Hey, maybe
I wrote that.-
- I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus
on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks
at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it
clearly)… and says, -Here, you can go.- I went to
a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything
specific.
- I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little
pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he
ran around in circles.
- I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
- My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can’t get
out.
- I bought some powdered water, but I didn’t know what
to add.
- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went
back in time.
- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, -
I’m home now, but leave a message and I’ll call when
I’m out.-
- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t
know how I got there.
- I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any
time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You
don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street
and… oohh, that’s much
better.
- I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection
of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over
the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
- I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
- It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s
always room- temperature.
- If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of
the precipitate.
- You can’t have everything… where would you put it?
- Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same
time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
- I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When
I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I
said, -Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.- He
said, -Yes, but not in a row.-
- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople.
They ask me if they can help me, and I say, -Have you
got anything I’d like?- Then they ask me what size I
need, and I say, -Extra medium.-
- While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment
and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told
my roommate, he said, -Do I know you?-
- I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people
who live above me are furious.
- On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the
rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.
- I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a
cop wh