ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES….
July 18th, 2005
1. Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough
money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
2. Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.
3. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office
and don’t need their picture taken. They are also very happy with
their current phone service. If you’re still with me, leave your
name and number and they will get back to you.
4. The College Special. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of
those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
5. If you are a burglar calling to check, then we’re probably at
home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a
message.
6. Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like.
Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
7. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.
Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of
your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff
of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future
to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for
your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound
of the tone. Thank you.