PUNS….
July 15th, 2005
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they
lit a fire in the craft it sank — proving once and for all
that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to
Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind
in the cotton field and never amounted to much. The second one,
naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man
who shot my paw.”
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A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much
for a beer?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
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Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to
each other. One says to the other, “Are you all right?” “No,
I lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive!”
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s
Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication!
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A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in
an open foyer.”
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A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar
for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender
knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting
at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work
day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he
was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw
together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the
bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of
the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”
“No, I’m sorry”, replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory
daiquiri, doc.”
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A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for
something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting
under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away
on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading
the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows
that readers digest and writers cramp.
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There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He
sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of
the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve mushrooms here.” The
mushroom says, “Why?! I’m a fun guy!”
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I know these two twin brothers named Amal and Jaun. They’re
identical in every way, physically. So when you’ve seen Jaun,
you’ve seen Amal.
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John: What are you reading?
Andy: It’s a book about electricity.
John: Oh, current events?
Andy: No, just some light reading.
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Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer
standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the
car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer
is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer
and asks him, “Uh, excuse me, mister, but what are you doing?”
The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”
“How?” asks the man, puzzled.
“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out
standing in their field.”