VIRUSES -APOLOGIES FOR LATE POSTING-….
July 14th, 2005
VIRUSES FOR WHICH THERE IS NO KNOWN DISINFECTANT
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not
horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk
attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a “virus,”
but instead refers to itself as an “electronic
microorganism.”
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a
file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt
to erase a file, it requires you to first see a
counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your
system, just before the whole thing quits.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly
shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what
great service you are getting.
THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you
that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays
resident. It’ll be back.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all
your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it
makes a lot of people really mad just thinking
about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk
into hundreds of little units, each of which does
practically nothing, but all of which claim to be
the most important part of the computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will
lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time
(plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any
other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of
your Apple.
MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identify because it
is constantly altering its appearance. This virus
won’t harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen
splits eratically with a message appearing on each
half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in
Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with
marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask
for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy
and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping
malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Turns your printer into a document
shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just Does It!
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won’t appear unless you buy new
cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Runs every program on the hard
drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to
accomplish anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down whenever
it wants to.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key)
on boot up then subtracts money from your Quicken account
and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through
Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no
virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Test your system for a day, finds
nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other
files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”