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Music: title theme from “Gilligan’s Island”

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,
A tale of a maiden trip,
That started from this deep space port,
Aboard this Starfleet ship.
The mate was a mighty dorky guy,
The skipper, bald and bold,
The ship was ordered to Farpoint,
For a two-part episode, a two-part episode.

The ship got captured by the Q,
The awful script was rough,
If not for the fervor of the fearless fans,
We would have turned it off, we would have turned it off.

Now, the ship is boldly going
Where no one has gone before,
With Jean-Luc Picard, and Riker too,
The red-head Doc, and her son,
The Betazoid,
An android and a Klingon man,
Here on the Enterprise!

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Music: “Home on the Range”

Singers: the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701-D

Oh give me a home, where the Captain’s a chrome-dome,
Where the crew on the holodeck play.
Where seldom the words “fire phasers” are heard,
And Wesley at school is away.

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Music: “With Catlike Tread” from “The Pirates of Penzance”
by Gilbert and Sullivan

Singers: the r.a.s.* canon police

We canon-heads
Don’t accept all Trek.
Only what’s on film
The rest can go to heck.
No books at all!
We don’t believe a word
Even if it was okayed by the Great Bird.

So steadily we flame the techs
For spouting off Franz Joseph’s specs

Trekkers on r.a.s!
Watch our local station
Do a Vulcan salutation
Keep canonicity
Free of FASA’s blasphemy!

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Music: theme from “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”

Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
You know that they’ll be toasted
R.I.P.

They rarely last through more than just one scene,
Every time you look, they’re dying on the screen,
When that bug-eyed monster attacks,
Those security guys are nothin’ but snacks.

Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Shouldn’t ever beam down
R.I.P.

Those red-shirt guys are really up the creek,
They never live to come back the next week,
Bear the brunt of every attack,
So many croak, you can’t keep track.

Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
Cannon-fodder red-shirt extras!
You know that they’ll be toasted
R.I.P.

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Music: Monty Python’s lumberjack song

Singer: Commander Riker

Oh, I’m First Officer and I’m okay,
I sleep around and I work all day!
I man the bridge, I sign reports,
I go to the lavatory.
I hang out with the Captain, and he makes me drink Earl Grey tea!

Oh, I’m First Officer and I’m okay,
I sleep around and I work all day!
I man the bridge, I grow my beard,
I lead the away teams.
I’ve scored on every planet onto which I have been beamed!

Oh, I’m First Officer and I’m okay,
I sleep around and I work all day!
I play poker, I skip and jump,
I visit Risa when on leave.
When I whip out my horgon, the babes all run to me!

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Music: “Can’t Touch This” by M.C. Hammer

Singer: Captain Picard a.k.a. M.C. Baldo

My, my, my, my starship is
So cool
Makes me say
Look here, fool
the Enterprise is
So rad
With its 2-Live crew
And Captain so bad
I’ve met Romulans and Ferengi and dissed ‘em
A superfly French guy from the Sol system
And you know, you can’t say no
When I tell you to… Make it so!

Make it so!
Make it so!

Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Oh!

Make it so!
Make it so!

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Music: “Takin’ Care of Business” by B.T.O.

Singer: Wesley Crusher

I get up every mornin’
To the alarm clock’s warnin’
And take the turbo-lift up to the bridge.
I’m in charge of navigation
So I’ve got to man my station
For an acting ensign, quite a privilege.
And if there’s some threat
Well, you sure as heck can bet
That I’ll figure out a way to save the day!
If you ever get annoyed at this acting ensign boy,
Well, I’m not the one who writes it, okay?

I’ll be savin’ the Enterprise, every day,
Savin’ the Enterprise, every way,
Savin’ the Enterprise, it gets old,
Savin’ the Enterprise, in every episode.

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Music: “There’s a Hole in the Bucket”

Singers: Geordi LaForge and Leah Brahms

There’s a hole in the warp field, dear Leah, dear Leah,
There’s a hole in the warp field, dear Leah, a hole.

Patch the hole then, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
Patch the hole then, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, patch the hole.

With what shall I patch it, dear Leah, dear Leah,
With what shall I patch it, dear Leah, with what?

Use a phase shift, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
Use a phase shift, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, a phase shift.

And how shall I shift it, dear Leah, dear Leah,
And how shall I shift it, dear Leah, just how?

Reverse the polarity, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
Reverse the polarity, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, the polarity.

How shall I reverse it, dear Leah, dear Leah,
How shall I reverse it, dear Leah, just how?

Reconfigure the crystals, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
Reconfigure the crystals, dear Geordi, the crystals.

With what shall I reconfigure them, dear Leah, dear Leah,
With what shall I reconfigure them, dear Leah, with what?

With a proton beam, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
With a proton beam, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, a proton beam.

And how shall I make it, dear Leah, dear Leah,
And how shall I make it, dear Leah, this beam?

Extend the warp field, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, dear Geordi,
Extend the warp field, dear Geordi, dear Geordi, extend the field.

There’s a hole in the warp field, dear Leah, dear Leah…

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Music: excerpt from “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen

Singer: Commander Riker (with fan chorus)

Captain, just got offered a command,
It’s the third or fourth this year,
But I really like it here,
Oh Captain, I’m the show’s co-star,
Do they think I’m gonna just throw that away?

I see a pretty good director of a man
Jonathan Frakes! Jonathan Frakes!
Will you direct the next episode?
Phaser bolts and lightning, very very frightening me
Galileo! Shuttle Galileo!
Galileo! Shuttle Galileo!
Galileo, Ferengi. (Magnifico!)

I am just a poor boy, nobody loves me,
He is just a poor boy, with poor acting ability,
Spare us the fans from this monstrosity!

Easy come, easy go, do you think he’ll go?
Bismillah! No, he will not leave the show! - leave the show!
Bismillah! He will not leave the show! - leave the show!
Bismillah! He will not leave the show! - leave the show!
Will not leave the show! - leave the show!
Never, never, never will I go - leave the show!
No no no no no no no!
O mama mia, mama mia, mama mia leave the show.
Starfleet Command has a vessel put aside for me, for me,
For me!

Music: the tune of “Abdul Abulbul Amir”

The box office profits are valuable as gold
So the crew for the big screen did steer
And of all their six movies, the worst I am told
Is Star Trek: The Final Frontier.

Spock had a half-brother, the idea was lame
The F\X were all below par
In the credits the name, William Shatner, it came
Under writer, director, and star.

It was a disaster, the bomb was complete
It was worse than we even had feared
Sybok wasn’t the only one feeling the pain
At this God-awful movie’s premier!