GENDER GUIDE….
July 14th, 2005
THE MAN’S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
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We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re…so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’m having my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not
going to like
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off you shoes and find a good game
on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him unti
he goes to sleep
I’m not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think it’s important
All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that
we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I
need to look at a few new purses, and those green sheets would look
great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
THE WOMEN’S GUIDE TO MEN’S ENGLISH
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I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex
with you
Can I take you to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out
of this
What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that
much different!
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin’ dress and
let’s go home!