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These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster
named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey &
fell into it.

“Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th
attendee at the State Fair in Texas, & was asked to
fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently
the original judge #3 called in sick at the last
moment, & I happened to be standing there when the
call came in. The other two judges (Native Texans)
assured me that it would be a fun event & a true taste
of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili
wouldn’t be
all that spicy, & besides they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are
the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway with it.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
to wave off 3 people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3
extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I’m getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb.
bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear
waste I’m eating.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus
my eyes. I farted & 4 people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her Chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice & peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions & garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined
to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, & I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the
sight in one eye, & the world sounds like it is made
of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like s**t to match my damn shirt. At least during
the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided
to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just
suck it in through 4 inch hole in my stomach.