ALTOIDS….
July 14th, 2005
Had the most interesting conversation with the top sales weasel
at our company today. She came into my office and noticed I had
a box of Altoids on my desk. (Have you had them? They are these
obnoxiously strong peppermints made in England.) As soon as she
saw them, she burst into laughter. Turns out she had recently
had an affair with a guy who called her and left her an incredibly
steamy voice mail message after an encounter. He went on and on
about what a blow job goddess she was, how amazing she was, how
he’d never be the same, etc. She was kind of puzzled, thinking:
what did I do to this guy that was so different from my regular
technique? She finally figured it out: she’s a smoker, and before
getting intimate with him, she had gone to the bathroom to
“freshen up.” Not having a toothbrush, she crunched on about four
Altoids and then got busy. Apparently things went amazingly.
So she passed this little tidbit on to another female sales weasel,
who immediately tried it out on her- fiance. Apparently this guy
has never, ever been into oral sex, but liked the mint sensation
so much that he asked her to stop and chew another Altoid mid-blow
job. He is now a fellatio gourmand.This news has been going around
our office. Having a box of Altoids on your desk is now like being
part of the Secret Blowjob Goddess Society. It’s the equivalent of
having the hottest car or coolest computer. News spread like crazy
among the females, who all went out at lunch to Walgreens to buy a
box of Altoids (about $2 for 100 or so), and their partners across
the city tonight are getting one hell of a corporate blow job. As
far as company-wide morale boosting events, it doesn’t get much
better. Some of the men found out, too-they went out after work to
buy them for their wives. They strategized on how to get their wives
to eat them. And people wonder why I work in technology.