SCOOBY DOO….
July 13th, 2005
Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo from
their early childhood, right? But something you may
not remember is what the show was really about. As we’ve
gotten older, it has become more clear what Fred, Shaggy,
Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were actually doing as they
traversed the continent foiling crimes of all sorts
in the Mystery Machine.
WHAT WE REMEMBER: Four teenagers and their trusted dog
gallop across the country in their purple and green
van solving mysteries of all sorts — and in the process
meet all kinds of interesting people.
THE TRUTH: Four high-school dropouts and their sentient
dog ride around the country in their psychedelic love
machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, and
they occasionally take some old guys mask off to solve
a mystery.
It may be hard to swallow, but just take a look at the
evidence…
Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration
for the current ‘grunge’ scene, with his sloppy dress
and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a ‘burner’,
i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly
hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow
it whole.
And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not
generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his ‘high’ from
Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever
Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack,
they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever
they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also
hungry all the time.
The other characters do not actively take part in the
stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone
the selling of it because it helps support their jaunts
across the country (and the world — they drove to China
once). These other characters do have their own peculiarities
however…
Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the
group to go ’solve the case’ by themselves. It’s no
real mystery what these two are really doing — they’re
getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine. Daphne,
with her pretty pink legs, and Fred are constantly bumping
uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids.
One thing that remains a mystery though, is why he always
wore that stupid scarf around his neck.
And what about Velma? Everyone’s least favorite of the
cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out
in the later episodes, she was also into beastiality.
Where do you think Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who
was a dog yet spoke perfect English, was obviously a
product of Velma and Scooby.
So the kids spent their teenage years driving around
the world, slangin’ dope, shooting steroids, eating
hash brownies, and fucking their dog, while all the
while looking for the perfect ‘hit’. Oh if we had only
known these things when we watched this cartoon as children…