Blonde on Blondes…
October 26th, 2005
Q: What did the blonde say about blonde jokes?
A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
October 26th, 2005
Bush Bumpers
October 22nd, 2005
1. Bush/Cheney ‘04: Four More Wars!
2. BU_ _SH_ _!
3. Bush/Cheney ‘04: Because the truth just isn’t good enough.
4. Bush/Cheney ‘04: Compassionate Colonialism
5. Bush/Cheney ‘04: Deja-voodoo all over again!
6. Bush/Cheney ‘04: Leave no billionaire behind
7. Bush/Cheney ‘04: Less CIA — More CYA
8. Bush/Cheney ‘04: Lies and videotape but no sex!
9. Bush/Cheney ‘04: Making the world a better place, one country at a time.
10. Bush/Cheney ‘04: Putting the “con” in conservatism
11. Bush/Cheney ‘04: Thanks for not paying attention.
12. Bush/Cheney ‘04: This time, elect us!
13. Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil
14. Don’t think. Vote Bush!
15. George W. Bush: A brainwave away from the presidency
16. George W. Bush: It takes a village idiot
17. George W. Bush: The buck stops Over There
18. Vote Bush in ‘04: Because dictatorship is easier
19. Vote Bush in ‘04: It’s a no-brainer!
20. Vote for Bush & You Get Dick!
A mother’s dictionary
October 20th, 2005
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Tips to improve your writing
August 10th, 2005
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren’t necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don’t never use a double negation.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
30. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They’re old hat; seek viable alternatives.
Alphabet letters
August 10th, 2005
How many letters are there in the alphabet?
Noel, noel, noel, noel … the angels did say…
E.T. went home.
Get rid of X. There’s too many unknowns in the world already!
(Only one vowel left, or is that “Anly ana vawal laft” This may be stretching it a bit, but not unless you consider, as our good friends in Canada say: Good day, A!
And we all know that M&Ms melt in your mouth, so it’s safe to count them out.
And of course, Y not.
We might as well put off using U until later in the year: See U in September
TWA just took off!!